Step 1

So yesterday I had a moment. A moment that felt like I was being pushed backwards with nothing around to cling to and stop it. Old feelings came up mixed with new feelings and I felt trapped. It all started when a gust of wind blew my shirt half way up my chest as I was crossing the parking lot walking into Costco. At first, I thought nothing of it. I've been feeling so amazing about where my body's at and truly loving myself physically which I used to only dream of being able to do. I love being naked, I just bought myself a brand new bikini, and I look at myself everyday in the mirror and tell myself I'm beautiful, all of me. And I know it's true. In the past, I dreaded being naked and avoided it at all costs, I wore mens swim shorts and tank tops in the pool to hide my body, and I avoided eye contact with myself in the mirror. But...soon after IT happened, my shirt flying up, I felt different. I suddenly realized that potentially hundreds of people had just seen my stomach. I envisioned my stretch marks and loose skin and imagined what it looked like to someone else. In my head, it was grotesquely distorted. Now don't get me wrong, this is not a totally new thing for me. It happened in stages. When I first lost the weight I was loose almost everywhere. But I've managed to tone up my entire body, including my abdominal region, over the past couple of years. I even have abdominal DEFINITION that I am extremely proud of because I was told by several ("professional") people that it was not possible without surgery. I've thought about plastic surgery. I've weighed the pros and cons. I've researched. All because I know that no matter what I do, there will always be that little bit of skin leftover. Most days I don't notice it. Some days I do, and I think of it as a battle wound; a proud reminder of where I've been and the hard work I've done. And still there are those rare days when I see it as something else. Yesterday was kind of like that...but somehow different.

I would be lying if I said that I found it easy everyday. Is it easier than it used to be? HELL yes! I mean, wow. Every single goal I have ever set for myself I have attained. Little by little I created the body I wanted and little by little I created a new me. I am living the life of my dreams. I have to acknowledge that I have come a long way but that doesn't mean that my journey is over. It means I have new tools and a new mindset to overcome new obstacles. But all of a sudden I realize there's a vacant loop on my tool belt. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Usually, I know. I feel it in my gut. I know it in my heart. But this time, it's different. I'm so back and forth. I wonder if it's actually that simple. If cosmetic surgery is going to "fix" it and then it's over. Or, is there something I'm missing. It's a huge decision to have someone cut into you, remove a section of your physical being that's not causing you harm (or is it?...), then make you a fake belly button and sew you back up. That's so invasive. And so...I don't know. Scary. Terrifying.

I believe it's possible to love yourself because I do. I believe it's possible to see your "flaws" as perfections because I can. I also believe that I'm human...whatever that means. I think you should go for what you desire in life. Anything you want. Any place you want to go. I just want to make sure I'm making the best decision for me and looking at this new situation from every angle. I want to analyze it down to it's very life force and learn about its origin and how it develops. So, I'm seeking help. I'm used to being the one who is sought after and now I'm the seeker. I'm not one to ask for help. I tend to work alone. I like to figure things out for myself. I'm hands on. I'm a detective. I read. I listen. I watch. I document. I discover. But maybe this is part of the next step for me, being more receptive to outside resources. I can ask for help too. Just because I haven't before and I've been able to do everything I want to including rebuild my life without asking for help doesn't mean I shouldn't now.

Step 1. I have an appointment booked with a holistic therapist. I have a consultation booked with a plastic surgeon. And I will be joining a support group for people who have lost significant amounts of weight.

I am anxious but relieved.