...I have learned my lesson.
Honestly, no one and nothing can ever prepare you for life. It's an amazing and beautiful thing. But, it can be quite a struggle sometimes too. I have my personal story and experiences just like everybody else out there. My biggest downfall is that I tend to put other people before myself. Now, you're probably thinking, "That's a good thing! How considerate of you!"
But let me tell you...it has caused me so much heartache and disappointment over the years.
For a very long time, I wanted to be that strong, independent, 'force to be reckoned with.' I acted as though I was, but deep down I felt incapable. And when it came to my heart, I used to completely fall apart and lose touch with myself. When I got close to someone, I became weak and submissive. I always attracted people who had a whole slew of emotional issues and I led them directly to the deepest chambers of my heart because I felt badly for them. I wanted to help them and love them. I am a nurturer by nature. It's just how I am.
Soon I started to see a pattern develop. Nearly every person that I got close to disappointed me. I was taken for granted, taken advantage of, walked all over, emotionally tormented...you name it. My heart was ripped at, spat on, and laughed at. It was horrible. Again and again I always came up with some justification of why I was being mistreated and I always put it on the other person. I was the one who always apologized even though I felt I did nothing wrong. I was punished for caring. It was tremendously backwards. This would always happen to me with the person I would least expect it to. The person who I would do anything for. Someone I consider a "true friend." That was the hardest thing about it. And that was precisely why I had such a difficult time coming to terms with it and knowing when to say "enough is enough."
I thought I had put my past behind me when I moved back home from Australia and relocated to San Francisco. It was a fresh, clean start and I was loving life like I thought I never would. I made some amazing new friends, continued taking better care of myself, graduated from SFSU, and found the woman of my dreams. Life was incredible.
According to Dr. Tom Rath & Jim Harter there are 5 essential elements of wellbeing:
I was well on my way towards 1-4. I had just come out to my friends and family and was finding support and love in a new community. I was in the best shape of my life and had made drastic changes to my diet and exercise. I was living independently with a stable income and paying back my student loans. I was reclaiming old friendships and actively working on being a better me so I could attract more reliable people into my life. But number 5. Career Wellbeing...that one was still on the back burner. I was making great money but doing something I found little pleasure in. It was a personal/family assistant type position and it was definitely not anything I would have been happy doing for more than a few years.
Then I met someone who would ultimately shake things up like an earthquake and leave me to rebuild my life yet again. I believe everything happens for a reason and the universe sent me this person because I needed to fall victim to my own pattern of unhealthy relationships one last time. I needed it to escalate to the point of no return so I could face the real issue head-on and squash it for good. I allowed this person to remain present in my life for three whole years even though I noticed red flags soon after we met. I knew it wasn't right but I wanted it to be right. I believed in it so I worked for it. I gave it my all. I put my heart and soul into her and us even though in the back of my mind I knew it was doomed. I believe we are responsible for all of the experiences in our lives. I allowed it happen. I attracted this person into my life because that was the type of energy I was putting out. Weak, submissive, insecure, and in denial; I was drawn like a magnet to anyone who was hot-headed, defiant, unruly, and immature. Manipulators and back-stabbers. Liars. Game players. The type who suck you in, chew you up, and spit you out.
And then I had my seizures. Now of course my doctor says stress can be a factor that leads to seizures but it can't cause them. To that I say, "What do you know? You've never even had a seizure!" I know exactly what caused my seizures and it was the build-up of stress, anxiety, anger, unhappiness, and fear all surrounding this individual and the situation. It's no coincidence that the first one happened at the end of a long double-shift day at work and the second one happened just as I was about to head to work on what would have been my first day back after taking a short weekend off to "recover." Ok Universe, I get the point.
I don't care who you are or what your deal is, no one deserves to be taken advantage of. You have no right to toy with someone's heart. None. Especially if you are fully aware that you're doing it. It takes a cold person to intentionally hurt another person. But those people are only acting the way they know to act at that point in time. There's a reason they can so easily mistreat others. It's not justifiable, but deep down they're not bad people. They just don't care enough about themselves. And when you don't care about yourself, it's impossible to TRULY care about others. Now I realize that part of growing up is having your heart broken and learning from your experiences. It makes you a stronger person and you learn priceless lessons. Well, I've finally reached that point where I can officially say:
THANK YOU!
...and it feels wonderful. I haven't actually lost anything at all. A real friend doesn't disrespect you and take advantage of you. Someone who loves you most certainly does not mistreat you, inadequately apologize for it, and then do the same thing over and over again. That's not love.
Thank you for using me. It has opened my eyes so wide I can see through to myself.
Thank you for disrespecting me. It has given me a new perspective on boundaries.
Thank you for abandoning me. It has helped me redefine my expectations of others.
Thank you for not supporting me. It has proven to me that I am in fact better off without you.
I love myself, I'm grateful for everything in my life, and I'm happy with who I am. There aren't a lot of people who can say that and really mean it. But I am one of them. And just like everyone else, I deserve good love. I will not allow myself to be taken for granted because I have so much to offer. I want people in my life who are going to appreciate me. I love being a nurturer. It feels good to be there for the people I care about and for them to know that I love them and would do anything for them. I have learned my lesson, on many different occasions, from many different people. I don't have any regrets. I hold no grudges, no hate, no resentment. Just gratitude. Thank you for showing me what I don't want in life. Some of us have to go there first before we can find our way. That's OK. I went there, plenty of times, and here I am on the other side a wiser person, a stronger person. So, I thank you.
Thank you to my friends who have shown me such a tremendous amount of love and support recently. My family for taking care of me in any way I need it. My partner for being the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I'd also like to thank myself for being able to understand that it's not about giving up, it's about letting go.
Honestly, no one and nothing can ever prepare you for life. It's an amazing and beautiful thing. But, it can be quite a struggle sometimes too. I have my personal story and experiences just like everybody else out there. My biggest downfall is that I tend to put other people before myself. Now, you're probably thinking, "That's a good thing! How considerate of you!"
But let me tell you...it has caused me so much heartache and disappointment over the years.
For a very long time, I wanted to be that strong, independent, 'force to be reckoned with.' I acted as though I was, but deep down I felt incapable. And when it came to my heart, I used to completely fall apart and lose touch with myself. When I got close to someone, I became weak and submissive. I always attracted people who had a whole slew of emotional issues and I led them directly to the deepest chambers of my heart because I felt badly for them. I wanted to help them and love them. I am a nurturer by nature. It's just how I am.
Soon I started to see a pattern develop. Nearly every person that I got close to disappointed me. I was taken for granted, taken advantage of, walked all over, emotionally tormented...you name it. My heart was ripped at, spat on, and laughed at. It was horrible. Again and again I always came up with some justification of why I was being mistreated and I always put it on the other person. I was the one who always apologized even though I felt I did nothing wrong. I was punished for caring. It was tremendously backwards. This would always happen to me with the person I would least expect it to. The person who I would do anything for. Someone I consider a "true friend." That was the hardest thing about it. And that was precisely why I had such a difficult time coming to terms with it and knowing when to say "enough is enough."
I thought I had put my past behind me when I moved back home from Australia and relocated to San Francisco. It was a fresh, clean start and I was loving life like I thought I never would. I made some amazing new friends, continued taking better care of myself, graduated from SFSU, and found the woman of my dreams. Life was incredible.
According to Dr. Tom Rath & Jim Harter there are 5 essential elements of wellbeing:
- Community Wellbeing
- Physical Wellbeing
- Financial Wellbeing
- Social Wellbeing
- Career Wellbeing
I was well on my way towards 1-4. I had just come out to my friends and family and was finding support and love in a new community. I was in the best shape of my life and had made drastic changes to my diet and exercise. I was living independently with a stable income and paying back my student loans. I was reclaiming old friendships and actively working on being a better me so I could attract more reliable people into my life. But number 5. Career Wellbeing...that one was still on the back burner. I was making great money but doing something I found little pleasure in. It was a personal/family assistant type position and it was definitely not anything I would have been happy doing for more than a few years.
Then I met someone who would ultimately shake things up like an earthquake and leave me to rebuild my life yet again. I believe everything happens for a reason and the universe sent me this person because I needed to fall victim to my own pattern of unhealthy relationships one last time. I needed it to escalate to the point of no return so I could face the real issue head-on and squash it for good. I allowed this person to remain present in my life for three whole years even though I noticed red flags soon after we met. I knew it wasn't right but I wanted it to be right. I believed in it so I worked for it. I gave it my all. I put my heart and soul into her and us even though in the back of my mind I knew it was doomed. I believe we are responsible for all of the experiences in our lives. I allowed it happen. I attracted this person into my life because that was the type of energy I was putting out. Weak, submissive, insecure, and in denial; I was drawn like a magnet to anyone who was hot-headed, defiant, unruly, and immature. Manipulators and back-stabbers. Liars. Game players. The type who suck you in, chew you up, and spit you out.
And then I had my seizures. Now of course my doctor says stress can be a factor that leads to seizures but it can't cause them. To that I say, "What do you know? You've never even had a seizure!" I know exactly what caused my seizures and it was the build-up of stress, anxiety, anger, unhappiness, and fear all surrounding this individual and the situation. It's no coincidence that the first one happened at the end of a long double-shift day at work and the second one happened just as I was about to head to work on what would have been my first day back after taking a short weekend off to "recover." Ok Universe, I get the point.
I don't care who you are or what your deal is, no one deserves to be taken advantage of. You have no right to toy with someone's heart. None. Especially if you are fully aware that you're doing it. It takes a cold person to intentionally hurt another person. But those people are only acting the way they know to act at that point in time. There's a reason they can so easily mistreat others. It's not justifiable, but deep down they're not bad people. They just don't care enough about themselves. And when you don't care about yourself, it's impossible to TRULY care about others. Now I realize that part of growing up is having your heart broken and learning from your experiences. It makes you a stronger person and you learn priceless lessons. Well, I've finally reached that point where I can officially say:
THANK YOU!
...and it feels wonderful. I haven't actually lost anything at all. A real friend doesn't disrespect you and take advantage of you. Someone who loves you most certainly does not mistreat you, inadequately apologize for it, and then do the same thing over and over again. That's not love.
Thank you for using me. It has opened my eyes so wide I can see through to myself.
Thank you for disrespecting me. It has given me a new perspective on boundaries.
Thank you for abandoning me. It has helped me redefine my expectations of others.
Thank you for not supporting me. It has proven to me that I am in fact better off without you.
I love myself, I'm grateful for everything in my life, and I'm happy with who I am. There aren't a lot of people who can say that and really mean it. But I am one of them. And just like everyone else, I deserve good love. I will not allow myself to be taken for granted because I have so much to offer. I want people in my life who are going to appreciate me. I love being a nurturer. It feels good to be there for the people I care about and for them to know that I love them and would do anything for them. I have learned my lesson, on many different occasions, from many different people. I don't have any regrets. I hold no grudges, no hate, no resentment. Just gratitude. Thank you for showing me what I don't want in life. Some of us have to go there first before we can find our way. That's OK. I went there, plenty of times, and here I am on the other side a wiser person, a stronger person. So, I thank you.
Thank you to my friends who have shown me such a tremendous amount of love and support recently. My family for taking care of me in any way I need it. My partner for being the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I'd also like to thank myself for being able to understand that it's not about giving up, it's about letting go.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteChae,
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful, painful and mature realization you have articulated from your painful life experience! For someone so young, you have amazing insight.
First let me say from a personal prospective I don't know how you got through it. I saw none of the emotions you expressed here during the past few years. Thee is always a smile on your face and you are the FIRST person to share their care and concern for others, always helping us become better through your knowledge of health and fitness.
From the moment I met you at your former job I was awestruck at your enthusiasm and knowledge and it is truly infectious! It takes deep introspection to see how WE contribute to the pain that is caused in our lives. The ego is a strong motivator and your words are piercing in that regard. I also dissect my actions and see what I overlooked, ignored or was in denial about. I believe the purpose of our existence is simply to learn from our experiences. Unfortunately you are correct, the most painful lessons are the most valuable.
Keep up the self introspection, learning, helping others and loving as much as you can. I don't get the chance to see you everyday like I use to but I look for your posts, attend some of the same events and pray for your happiness and well being often. You are a light in the darkness...never let it dim.
Much love my sista...you will be just fine, but you already know that.
Joy