Step 1

So yesterday I had a moment. A moment that felt like I was being pushed backwards with nothing around to cling to and stop it. Old feelings came up mixed with new feelings and I felt trapped. It all started when a gust of wind blew my shirt half way up my chest as I was crossing the parking lot walking into Costco. At first, I thought nothing of it. I've been feeling so amazing about where my body's at and truly loving myself physically which I used to only dream of being able to do. I love being naked, I just bought myself a brand new bikini, and I look at myself everyday in the mirror and tell myself I'm beautiful, all of me. And I know it's true. In the past, I dreaded being naked and avoided it at all costs, I wore mens swim shorts and tank tops in the pool to hide my body, and I avoided eye contact with myself in the mirror. But...soon after IT happened, my shirt flying up, I felt different. I suddenly realized that potentially hundreds of people had just seen my stomach. I envisioned my stretch marks and loose skin and imagined what it looked like to someone else. In my head, it was grotesquely distorted. Now don't get me wrong, this is not a totally new thing for me. It happened in stages. When I first lost the weight I was loose almost everywhere. But I've managed to tone up my entire body, including my abdominal region, over the past couple of years. I even have abdominal DEFINITION that I am extremely proud of because I was told by several ("professional") people that it was not possible without surgery. I've thought about plastic surgery. I've weighed the pros and cons. I've researched. All because I know that no matter what I do, there will always be that little bit of skin leftover. Most days I don't notice it. Some days I do, and I think of it as a battle wound; a proud reminder of where I've been and the hard work I've done. And still there are those rare days when I see it as something else. Yesterday was kind of like that...but somehow different.

I would be lying if I said that I found it easy everyday. Is it easier than it used to be? HELL yes! I mean, wow. Every single goal I have ever set for myself I have attained. Little by little I created the body I wanted and little by little I created a new me. I am living the life of my dreams. I have to acknowledge that I have come a long way but that doesn't mean that my journey is over. It means I have new tools and a new mindset to overcome new obstacles. But all of a sudden I realize there's a vacant loop on my tool belt. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Usually, I know. I feel it in my gut. I know it in my heart. But this time, it's different. I'm so back and forth. I wonder if it's actually that simple. If cosmetic surgery is going to "fix" it and then it's over. Or, is there something I'm missing. It's a huge decision to have someone cut into you, remove a section of your physical being that's not causing you harm (or is it?...), then make you a fake belly button and sew you back up. That's so invasive. And so...I don't know. Scary. Terrifying.

I believe it's possible to love yourself because I do. I believe it's possible to see your "flaws" as perfections because I can. I also believe that I'm human...whatever that means. I think you should go for what you desire in life. Anything you want. Any place you want to go. I just want to make sure I'm making the best decision for me and looking at this new situation from every angle. I want to analyze it down to it's very life force and learn about its origin and how it develops. So, I'm seeking help. I'm used to being the one who is sought after and now I'm the seeker. I'm not one to ask for help. I tend to work alone. I like to figure things out for myself. I'm hands on. I'm a detective. I read. I listen. I watch. I document. I discover. But maybe this is part of the next step for me, being more receptive to outside resources. I can ask for help too. Just because I haven't before and I've been able to do everything I want to including rebuild my life without asking for help doesn't mean I shouldn't now.

Step 1. I have an appointment booked with a holistic therapist. I have a consultation booked with a plastic surgeon. And I will be joining a support group for people who have lost significant amounts of weight.

I am anxious but relieved.

Kettle corn!! Clean and Homemade style of course!

Clean Kettle Corn

(makes 2 servings)

WHAT YOU NEED

• 2 tbs organic, unrefined coconut oil 
• 2-3 tsp raw, local honey
• 1/2 cup organic popcorn kernels*
• a clean paper bag
• Celtic sea salt or Himalayan pink salt to taste

*I used local, organic popcorn and I highly suggest you do the same. I know exactly where my kernels came from (a small, organic farm near my house actually!) and that's especially important for corn because around 90% of the corn grown in the U.S. is GMO! 

I added roasted almonds to mine! Yum!

WHAT TO DO

1. Heat oil in a large nonstick saucepan or pot (make sure you have a lid!) over medium heat. On my electric stove the dial was at 4.5/9. 
2. Once the oil is completely melted, add the honey and allow to melt down as well. Add the popcorn kernels and shake them around in the liquid mixture at the bottom of the pot until the kernels are evenly coated by the honey and oil. 
3. Cover and allow kernels to pop until there is about a 3 second pause between each pop. 
4. Promptly remove from heat and pour into a clean paper bag (old school...like my Pops taught me!).
5. Add salt, close the bag, and shake it up, down, and around to distribute the salt evenly.
6. Enjoy!  

Dear Universe,

...I have learned my lesson. 

Honestly, no one and nothing can ever prepare you for life. It's an amazing and beautiful thing. But, it can be quite a struggle sometimes too. I have my personal story and experiences just like everybody else out there. My biggest downfall is that I tend to put other people before myself. Now, you're probably thinking, "That's a good thing! How considerate of you!"

But let me tell you...it has caused me so much heartache and disappointment over the years.

For a very long time, I wanted to be that strong, independent, 'force to be reckoned with.' I acted as though I was, but deep down I felt incapable. And when it came to my heart, I used to completely fall apart and lose touch with myself. When I got close to someone, I became weak and submissive. I always attracted people who had a whole slew of emotional issues and I led them directly to the deepest chambers of my heart because I felt badly for them. I wanted to help them and love them. I am a nurturer by nature. It's just how I am.

Soon I started to see a pattern develop. Nearly every person that I got close to disappointed me. I was taken for granted, taken advantage of, walked all over, emotionally tormented...you name it. My heart was ripped at, spat on, and laughed at. It was horrible. Again and again I always came up with some justification of why I was being mistreated and I always put it on the other person. I was the one who always apologized even though I felt I did nothing wrong. I was punished for caring. It was tremendously backwards. This would always happen to me with the person I would least expect it to. The person who I would do anything for. Someone I consider a "true friend." That was the hardest thing about it. And that was precisely why I had such a difficult time coming to terms with it and knowing when to say "enough is enough."

I thought I had put my past behind me when I moved back home from Australia and relocated to San Francisco. It was a fresh, clean start and I was loving life like I thought I never would. I made some amazing new friends, continued taking better care of myself, graduated from SFSU, and found the woman of my dreams. Life was incredible.

According to Dr. Tom Rath & Jim Harter there are 5 essential elements of wellbeing:

1. Community Wellbeing
2. Physical Wellbeing
3. Financial Wellbeing
4. Social Wellbeing
5. Career Wellbeing

I was well on my way towards 1-4. I had just come out to my friends and family and was finding support and love in a new community. I was in the best shape of my life and had made drastic changes to my diet and exercise. I was living independently with a stable income and paying back my student loans. I was reclaiming old friendships and actively working on being a better me so I could attract more reliable people into my life. But number 5. Career Wellbeing...that one was still on the back burner. I was making great money but doing something I found little pleasure in. It was a personal/family assistant type position and it was definitely not anything I would have been happy doing for more than a few years.

Then I met someone who would ultimately shake things up like an earthquake and leave me to rebuild my life yet again. I believe everything happens for a reason and the universe sent me this person because I needed to fall victim to my own pattern of unhealthy relationships one last time. I needed it to escalate to the point of no return so I could face the real issue head-on and squash it for good. I allowed this person to remain present in my life for three whole years even though I noticed red flags soon after we met. I knew it wasn't right but I wanted it to be right. I believed in it so I worked for it. I gave it my all. I put my heart and soul into her and us even though in the back of my mind I knew it was doomed. I believe we are responsible for all of the experiences in our lives. I allowed it happen. I attracted this person into my life because that was the type of energy I was putting out. Weak, submissive, insecure, and in denial; I was drawn like a magnet to anyone who was hot-headed, defiant, unruly, and immature. Manipulators and back-stabbers. Liars. Game players. The type who suck you in, chew you up, and spit you out.

And then I had my seizures. Now of course my doctor says stress can be a factor that leads to seizures but it can't cause them. To that I say, "What do you know? You've never even had a seizure!" I know exactly what caused my seizures and it was the build-up of stress, anxiety, anger, unhappiness, and fear all surrounding this individual and the situation. It's no coincidence that the first one happened at the end of a long double-shift day at work and the second one happened just as I was about to head to work on what would have been my first day back after taking a short weekend off to "recover." Ok Universe, I get the point.

I don't care who you are or what your deal is, no one deserves to be taken advantage of. You have no right to toy with someone's heart. None. Especially if you are fully aware that you're doing it. It takes a cold person to intentionally hurt another person. But those people are only acting the way they know to act at that point in time. There's a reason they can so easily mistreat others. It's not justifiable, but deep down they're not bad people. They just don't care enough about themselves. And when you don't care about yourself, it's impossible to TRULY care about others. Now I realize that part of growing up is having your heart broken and learning from your experiences. It makes you a stronger person and you learn priceless lessons. Well, I've finally reached that point where I can officially say:

THANK YOU! 

...and it feels wonderful. I haven't actually lost anything at all. A real friend doesn't disrespect you and take advantage of you. Someone who loves you most certainly does not mistreat you, inadequately apologize for it, and then do the same thing over and over again. That's not love.

Thank you for using me. It has opened my eyes so wide I can see through to myself.
Thank you for disrespecting me. It has given me a new perspective on boundaries.
Thank you for abandoning me. It has helped me redefine my expectations of others.
Thank you for not supporting me. It has proven to me that I am in fact better off without you.

I love myself, I'm grateful for everything in my life, and I'm happy with who I am. There aren't a lot of people who can say that and really mean it. But I am one of them. And just like everyone else, I deserve good love. I will not allow myself to be taken for granted because I have so much to offer. I want people in my life who are going to appreciate me. I love being a nurturer. It feels good to be there for the people I care about and for them to know that I love them and would do anything for them. I have learned my lesson, on many different occasions, from many different people. I don't have any regrets. I hold no grudges, no hate, no resentment. Just gratitude. Thank you for showing me what I don't want in life. Some of us have to go there first before we can find our way. That's OK. I went there, plenty of times, and here I am on the other side a wiser person, a stronger person. So, I thank you.



Thank you to my friends who have shown me such a tremendous amount of love and support recently. My family for taking care of me in any way I need it. My partner for being the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I'd also like to thank myself for being able to understand that it's not about giving up, it's about letting go. 

Common Weight Loss Mistakes, Hurdles & Myths

Last year, I did a workshop series about losing weight and some of the common mistakes, hurdles and myths behind it. Decided I should share it on my blog, but of course!

Putting Faith in One Source

There is no magic pill or plan. No perfect supplement or routine. There is not ONE answer to any of your problems so why do so many people look for that one when it comes to weight loss? Products like Sensa drive me BANANAS! Shake some mystery powder on your donut and enjoy that little sucker while still losing weight...get real! EDUCATION is what's key here. Do research, real research. Not just perusing Women's Health Magazine or recording all of Dr. Oz's shows. What works for one person, is not guaranteed to work for another. And, if it sounds too good to be true, it IS! 

Check out the highlighted part. That pisses me off.

Low Calorie Intake

So it seems simple, and the claim is that it's based on science so it must be true. Fewer calories in than out = weight loss. Umm...not quite. Extreme calorie deficits wreak havoc on your metabolism leaving you totally unable to burn fat. You can actually end up GAINING weight and losing muscle mass. I've seen it many times. The quality of the calories you consume are far more important than the quantity. Imagine 2,000 calories worth of fried chicken and macaroni and cheese vs. 2,000 calories of steamed vegetables and lean grilled chicken breast. You could easily eat the former in one sitting but you would have a very difficult time eating the latter. Your body needs fuel, so feed it!  

Fad Diets & Cleanses 

My rule of thumb is this: whatever diet you plan on starting, should be one you're willing to uphold for the rest of your life. Hmmm, shocking right? Because who the heck wants to drink lemon juice with cayenne pepper for the rest of their life. No one. Usually these programs have enticing marketing behind them with amazing before and after photos and "guaranteed results" or your money back. That should be a red flag already. It's always about money with these types of things. You think the people who created the Cookie Diet and Lean Cuisine really care about your health and wellbeing? No. 

Horrible...

Over-doing the Cardio

This is a huge one. If this list were numbered, this would easily be number 1. So listen, I understand it feels fulfilling to be on the treadmill or stair master for an hour. I get it, I really do. I used to do it all the time. However weight loss is 80% diet, 20% exercise. You have to eat right and there is no amount of any exercise that can undo what's done in the kitchen. A lot of people fall into the habit of exercising too much and eating too little. Again, you're welcoming in a devastated metabolic rate which is going to leave you feeling like hell, literally. Our stress hormone, cortisol, comes out to play when we apply any physical or mental stress to our bodies. So imagine the levels of that hormone in your body after you've been on the treadmill for an hour at the end of a stressful day at work where you at a shitty lunch. Yikes. The body wants to protect itself and conserve energy so it goes into fat-storing mode. Not fat-burning. The same thing happens when you eat too litte, which is why you can actually gain weight! Imagine a sprinter's body vs. a marathon runner's body. One is usually toned and lean; the other, well it's kind of neither. Put the baby weights down and get off the stair master. Introduce some HIIT into your workouts and lift something heavy. That's how you build muscle mass which increases your metabolic rate. THAT is what allows you to burn fat!  

Holding Yourself Accountable

You're an adult and you are responsible for your attitude, your actions, and your experiences. Period. 

Setting the Bar Too High

Goals are great! Goals are important. Goals are essential. But not over-the-top goals like losing 20lb in a month. That will set you up for disaster. I see it all the time. People start out going hard and then fall off because it's so overwhelming and difficult. You need a strategic plan that's going to allow you to make steady progress over time. Set manageable goals and keep a positive attitude about them. One that's short-term. And another that's long-term. When you reach your short-term goal, set a new one. The long term one will keep you motivated and the short term ones will keep you happy and rewarded. Now there's a formula for success!   

Bar, Shakes, and Dietary Supplements

You don't need them. And they are junk! It's an unsustainable approach to weight loss and usually highly unsatisfying. I recently ordered a free Atkins starter kit to keep myself in the loop on how their products have "evolved" as some have told me. Bullshit. Everything in the package (all the bars) were labeled for meals or snacks and each one of them was chocolate-covered and FULL of disgusting, processed ingredients. No thanks. No one should be eating chocolate bars 5 times a day, I don't care how much protein and vitamins are in them! 

Can someone please explain to me how THIS can be considered a meal? No? Didn't think so.

Support System

Communication is SO important when you start your journey. Communicate with yourself and communicate with everyone present in your life. Share your goals with the world. Track your progress and struggles. The more people see that you are serious about this and that it means a lot to you, the more they will care and support you. Especially your partner, spouse, family, friends, and/or roommate. You must tell them what you are trying to achieve and how you plan on achieving it. They need to understand the plan just as well as you do. Speaking of that, have you read my blog about what can happen when you and your partner don't work well together, and what can happen when you do? Anyways, yeah, yay for healthy communication!  

My partner and I share similar lifestyles. We often train together, we eat the same way, we don't smoke (she quit over 2 years ago!), we rarely drink alcohol, and we understand the importance of self-love, sleep, and reaching for our dreams.

Self Love

Being overweight is never the problem. There's always something underlying that causes us to turn to food. But then we blame being overweight for so many other issues without even addressing the root cause. You can diet and exercise until you're blue in the face but if you don't uncover the emotion, fear, experience, thought, or idea behind it all you will not be successful in attaining your weight loss goal...or any goals in your life. You have to love and accept yourself right now. Not once you drop the weight, not after you fit into that dress or pair of jeans. RIGHT NOW! Loving and accepting yourself, thinking positively, and putting good energy out into the universe will literally solve all of your "problems."

Dining Out

We all do it, and we all love it. Duh. But as with anything else, moderation is key. Restaurant food is more often than not packed with salt, oil, gluten and fats (not the good kinds) which means it's calorie-heavy without being nutrient-dense and it's going to make you bloated, thirsty, and spike you blood-sugar levels. So, it's a treat. Not something you do everyday. Or you choose a place that serves you food within your dietary requirements. Splitting your meal to take half home or sharing a dish with your friend are options too. It may take me 15 minutes to order something and you bet your ass I ask a lot of questions, request to see lists of ingredients, talk to the cook/chef, and even investigate the restaurant menu beforehand but I leave not ever feeling guilty for what I've eaten and fully at peace with the fact that I can still enjoy a nice meal out without it making me sick, tired, and leaving me full of regret later. 

Ordering at the deli, I always ask if they can prepare my sandwich without bread. I've never been told no. 

Beating Yourself Up

This is going to get you no where, and fast! You have got to be flexible and patient with yourself. Not everything is always going to go as planned. One month you may lose 10 lbs and the next you might lose 3. It's totally normal for the body to adapt and this is why you have to keep things fresh with your workouts and with your diet. Take ownership of the things you have control over and let go of what you don't. You just couldn't resist the frozen yogurt because your friends wanted to go? Deal with it! You chose to eat it and you alone made that choice. You wanted to be down to a size 12 by a certain date and you didn't quite make it. That's OK. Even if you didn't give it your best, it's OK! You live, you learn, and you move forward. Never back. Keep working on your goal until you get there. 

The Dreaded Scale

It really is. It's more appropriate to track progress by measuring your body parts (circumference of your waist, arms, etc), your body fat percentage, and the attainment of your goals. Many of my clients come to me with these random numbers in their heads and the most common response I get when I ask them why is "Because that was my weight when I was (insert age here) and felt really good about myself." Well, you're not that age anymore. And who cares what the scale says. There is a huge mental struggle that goes on inside us when we step on the scale. Anxiety, fear, addictive behavior. It's all bad. Isn't it more important to feel confident, energized, happy, strong, and capable? Definitely. Don't let the scale rule your life and determine your pride and happiness.

Although my weight has remained unchanged, I have lost nearly 1% body fat in the past 2.5 weeks! 

Preparation

This is key!! You have to plan your meals and workouts in advance so you already know what you need and what you're going to do. It makes resisting temptations so much easier because you don't have to go out to lunch, you brought your lunch with you! It also gives you something to look forward to (who doesn't love homemade food?) and leaves you feeling proud and accomplished. Not to mention you will save tons of money and avoid throwing food away because it "went bad." 

Prep time! I do this once a week, EVERY week. My food processor and I are BFF! 

Priorities 

If work or money is your answer, try again. YOU have to be your own number one priority. You have to be selfish. This is about changing your lifestyle habits and it's going to require time, energy, and commitment. If you don't make the time, put in the energy, and stay committed, you can forget about it. 

Bodies are Unique

Who cares what such-and-such celebrity looks like and how much weight your aunt lost. Never compare the successes of others to your successes and definitely don't idolize any other body except your own. Your needs, genetics, and physique are unlike anyone else's so you really can't compare them. Make a dream board but don't you dare put photos of other people up there! Unless it's your mother...or Jesus. 

Healthy Overindulgence

Just because something is gluten free, all natural, fat-free, organic, doesn't have preservatives and contains no added sugars does NOT mean you should have a field day with it. I mean, seriously. This kinda works up my nerves. I see people all the time do things like swap out whole wheat pasta for a gluten free type and think that means it's healthy. All of a sudden it's like lettuce or something. Just eat it up! Don't be fooled by marketing. Most companies don't produce gluten free foods for folks with Celiac disease or gluten intolerance. Hell no. They do it to make MONEY. Just like Lean Cuisine and the people behind the Cookie Diet. They know it's a hot commodity and they capitalize on it. Labels are important but you have to know what labels to look for and why. 

What the hell is this? "Good Health Cheese Alternative?" GROSS! And unless you're lactose intolerant, why is cheese bad for your health? Anyone? Didn't think so.  

Fat Makes You Fat

This is probably the biggest myth and load of shit in dietary history. Yes there are some fats you don't need or should have in small amounts. But, you need fat to burn fat. You need fat to produce hormones. You need fat to properly digest and absorb nutrients. Your brain needs fat. Your muscles need fat. Your heart needs fat. YOU NEED FAT! The end.  

Fat is not the enemy, SUGAR is and I bet this is loaded with sugar. And gluten.

Stress and Lack of Sleep

I like that I'm ending with this one because it's usually the reason my clients don't see the results they want or expect. I always ask them "Are you sleeping soundly every night for at least 8 hours?" and "What does your stress level usually look like on a day-to-day basis?" This is cortisol coming out to play again folks. It keeps you in survival mode because stress is a threat to the body. And that means you're going to have a hell of a time losing weight. So along with your plan and preparation of your food and exercise, implement some downtime into your life too. Check in with yourself. Breathe. Rest. Be present. Be still. And if there is something in your life preventing you from being able to do that, you better figure out how to live without out. 

Perfectly Poached Eggs

Perfectly Poached Eggs 

The egg is sitting on a bed of sautéed kale, bell pepper and mushrooms and sweet potato hash.

What you need

• water, enough to fill skillet to 1.5" of depth
• small soufflé dishes or custard cups
• eggs
• thermometer
• slotted spoon (non-stick skillet friendly) 
• 1 tbs apple cider vinegar (white wine or rice vinegar works too) 
• timer
• paper towels

 What to do

1. In a wide, non-stick skillet, heat 1.5" of water to a bare simmer. 
2. Crack each egg over and into a small soufflé dish or custard cup.
3. Using a thermometer, measure the temperature of the water. When it hits 190F, scrape the bubbles off the bottom of the skillet with a plastic slotted spoon, pour in the vinegar, and mix.
4. One at a time, push a dish/cup containing an egg all the way into the water and then slowly tilt and pour the egg into the water. It's OK if some water gets into the dish when you first put it in. Take your time and work smoothly, no need to rush!
5. Once all the eggs are in the water, set a timer to 4:30 and maintain the same temperature water (190F) while cooking. 
6. While you're waiting, line a counter, plate, or cutting board with paper towels for the eggs. 
7. Once the time has passed, turn off the stove, remove the eggs one at a time with a slotted spoon and transfer to the paper towel lined counter, plate, or cutting board.  
8. Using the edge of the slotted spoon, cut around the edge of the eggs to remove the frilly egg-white bits and make it pretty :) 
9. Enjoy immediately or store in ice water for up to 8 hours to enjoy at a later time.*

*Reheat them by putting them in hot water again for about 1 minute.

Breakfast Pizza

Breakfast Pizza 

(makes 2-3 servings) 

What you need

• bacon fat or coconut oil (about 1 tbs)
• red onion, diced*
• bell pepper, chopped*
• mushrooms, roughly chopped* 
• spinach, roughly chopped*
• 3 whole eggs or 6 egg whites (I like a combo!)
• cracked black pepper
• smoked salmon, roughly chopped* 
• cooked sweet potato, skin on, diced*
• sliced tomatoes*

*amount up to you

What to do

1. Preheat oven to 350F.
2. Add bacon fat or coconut oil to a medium-sized oven safe skillet on medium heat.
3. Add onions, bell peppers, and mushrooms and cook until soft.
4. Scramble the eggs/egg whites together in a small bowl and add fresh pepper.
5. Add spinach to the pan and stir frequently. Cook about 1 minute, then add eggs. 
6. Remove skillet from heat and sprinkle salmon, sweet potato, and tomatoes over the egg and veggies. 
7. Place skillet in preheated oven for about 15 minutes.
8. Serve immediately and store any leftovers in a glass, airtight container up to 3 days.  

Crunchy Peppermint Bark Smoothie

Crunchy Peppermint Bark Smoothie

What you need

• 1 cup almond milk

• 4 dates

• 1 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder

• 1/2 tsp peppermint oil

• 1 cup ice

• 1 tsp raw cocoa nibs

• raw cocoa nibs for garnish

What to do

1. Add almond milk, dates, cocoa powder, and peppermint oil to blender on high speed until smooth.
2. Add ice and cocoa nibs and blend until desired consistency is achieved.
3. Serve immediately with cocoa nibs as garnish. 

Crispy Sweet Potato Chips

Crispy Sweet Potato Chips

What you need

• Sweet potatoes

• EVOO (I use a garlic infused one) 

What to do

1. Preheat oven to 450F.
2. Wash the sweet potato thoroughly and scrub the skin with a veggie brush.
3. Using a mandolin slicer, slice the potato in thin slices over a mixing bowl.
4. Pour about 1-2 tbs olive oil over the sliced potato and using your hands, rub each side of each slice until every slice is evenly coated. They should be only slightly oily, but otherwise nearly dry to the touch. Too much oil and they will not bake to a crisp. 
5. Place chips on a Silpat lined baking sheet making sure none are overlapping.
6. Bake for 20 minutes and allow to cool fully before enjoying!